If you are or have been in a long-term relationship, this article may be of interest to you.
Can you still remember the early days of a relationship? When a raging passion made you think about being with that person all the time, everywhere; when the simple fact of their being near them ignited your desire...
In recent times, instead of waking up thinking about making love, do you think about making coffee?
It's perfectly natural to feel this way.
There are actually two types of sexual desire.
If you rely exclusively on the first type of desire, your quiet, lazy Sunday mornings will never see any action between the sheets... or away from them, as you prefer.
Let's look at the two types:
Spontaneous Desire vs Responsive Desire
According to Dr. Cheryl Fraser, sex therapist, this is one of the most valuable teachings for anyone in a long-term relationship.
The "spontaneous desire" is that "I can't wait to rip the clothes off your body" feeling. It tends to be present at the beginning of the relationship and several biochemical and psychological factors are involved in it. Remember how easy it was with a touch, something would ignite in you and desire would arise so "naturally"?
Well, couples tend to lose this kind of desire over time. Cheryl Fraser uses the following analogy: "If you're in a long-term relationship, think of spontaneous desire as a teenager spontaneously offering to clean the kitchen for you. It's rare, it's wonderful, and when it happens, you better enjoy it a lot. But you definitely shouldn't count on it."
The "responsive desire" arises, as the word indicates, as a response to something. Using the same analogy, in this case, the teen cleans the kitchen as a response to you promising to pay his mobile phone bill if he does.
What happens if, on one of those slow, lazy Sunday mornings, one of you says, "Hey, how about we make love?"
Neither of you had woken up with desire, the will just wasn't there. However, with this question we are dealing with the potential of responsive desire. Even if you have no desire, you can choose to be open to exploring. Perhaps starting with naked touch, caresses, a massage. By playing, the body and mind can wake up and begin to respond.
And thus consciously and intentionally create desire.
It is not abnormal that you no longer feel the lust and desire that once came naturally. This does not mean that there is something wrong with you or that you are with the wrong person.
In long-term love we have to learn new ways to explore the dance of eroticism.
We can't wait for passion. We have to create it, out of action.
Leave your partner a note full of mystery, hug more, play more.
What your sex life needs is intention, commitment.